If graphic allusions to medical procedures tend to upset you or your stomach, stop reading now.
Since I had recently written about a few unfunny comic superheroes in a piece called EGAD, Mary said she would not be surprised If I wrote about Vascular Man. Yes, I will explain.
Whether called an Oncological Dermatologist or Dermatological Oncologist, he seemed overly pleasured by freezing suspect spots here and there on my body. As his piece de resistance he offered to cut off a black half-inch circular flap. Seemed like a good idea to me. Deed done, Lisa gently applied a spot of Vaseline on a band aid before we headed home, with only a stop for a one-martini lunch at one of our favorite Hall’s watering holes.
Let’s skip the bloody reason why early the next morning Mary drove the 57 minutes back for help in staunching the flow. Announcing a previously unnoticed issue, Autumn gave me three numbing pokes so I wouldn’t feel the burning flesh as she cauterized a peeking leaking vessel. This time a pressure bandage was applied to assure control and we were on the road again.
Meaning no sacrilege, I must report I arose on the third day knowing it was time to go back for more. In preparation for the nearly hour drive, Mary bound a Maxi pad tightly to my seeping thorax. It worked so well it later brought compliments from attending nurses.
This time we met lots of members of the staff along with a visit from the good doctor himself. Having moved up in importance, I received five pokes for numbing and six soft smelly sizzles. There was neither a partridge nor pear tree to be seen. But in better condition I might have made a great Christmas present with all the wrapping I received. Mary remembers. A dry dressing of gauze and pressure bandage was applied, followed by what the nurse lovingly called a “big hug” of Deutschland’s best extra wide Self-Adherent Wrap.
Having opened with a mini non sequitur, I’ll try to close with clarity only nurse Brittany could provide. After finally completing the bloody work, her goodbye comment was, I guess we’ll just have to call you Vascular Man.